Dear People Who Think I Have It All Together: I’m 110% Faking It

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Before having a website where all of my cob-webby places were aired out for anyone on the internet to read, people assumed things about me. Whether their judgments came from my good grades or involvement in school, church, or community service, they made assumptions. They may have seen me play sports or speak publicly. They might have had coffee with me or attended a friend’s game night. No matter the pathway, they arrived at a conclusion about me.

“She’s so funny.” “She must be smart.” “She does such creative things with her kids.” I’d hear these comments and feel like a fraud.

After posting articles and baring my soul–the horribly dusty and embarrassing parts–I assumed people’s opinions of me would change. I could almost hear the pangs of their judgmental words.

“She’s lazy.” “She should be there more for her husband.” “Her kids must suffer because of her.”

Somehow, through the violent vulnerability, I have further confused people’s opinions.

How are you not casting stones? How are you relating to my struggles? Didn’t you hear me say I am a failure of a wife? That I fight a losing battle with anxiety? That I am gaining weight, despite my sometimes desperate attempts to regain my health? That my son still has meltdowns daily, no matter how many books I read or therapists we see?

Friends, I am a huge faker. I love you, but please see me for me.

I only post a picture if it was taken at an angle that doesn’t highlight more than one chin.

I am eager to share funny videos about a crazy thing that happened and cast it aside with humor and wit, but I am unwilling to show the holes in our doors or walls put there during meltdowns and what feels like familial warfare while raising a child with behavior disorders.

I only shop online because trying on clothes is as much depressing as it is a cardio workout at my current size and I wear black yoga pants 80% of the time because other clothes are a painful reminder of the hemisphere that is my waistline. For this reason, I avoid public outings, reunions, and even some family functions.

I have a website with a following and incredibly loyal subscribers who send encouraging words after reading a post which resonated, while I hide behind my laptop–staring at the screen where, though I post my revenue and expenditures, the red is ever-increasing as is the guilt that comes with it. What if this doesn’t work out? What if I fail? What if my words are helping no one or if no one ever even reads them?

Guys, I am doing my best to keep it together over here. The memes I post about coffee and dry shampoo are legitimate reflections of my day. I get out of bed and go to work no less than three days a week wearing at least 50% of what I slept in the night before. I haven’t worn makeup or fixed my hair before work even one day this entire school year. And I have spent more money at Starbucks in the last three months than on gas and we are a one car family.

Friends, I have eaten burritos on my way home from work and pulled into parking lots to throw away the evidence before arriving home. I wake up with aches and pains in places I didn’t even know existed on my body. And when I accidentally catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror, I don’t recognize that stranger.

But this is me.

So, if you are scrolling through Facebook or pressing the little heart icons on Instagram, understand that there are people behind those pictures. Though my words are cutting and sincere, I still feel like people must not ‘get me’ because how could they and still offer kindness?

I do not have it all together. Girl, I don’t even know what ‘it’ is!

But here is what I know.

I know that God is good. I know that my husband loves me, even though it is very hard to believe and impossible to understand. I know that I was chosen specifically to mother my individual children. And I know that I was born to write…even if no one reads my words.

 

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4 COMMENTS

  1. Don’t be so hard on yourself. 🙂 We all have issues and all feel like we could do better sometimes. Most people don’t tell you their deep insecurities because we want others to see us how we would actually like to be. But all we can do is our best… not judge others and love ourselves. Tomorrow is another day! God bless. 🙂

  2. You deserve kindness because you do try! Because you never give up, you’re real, raw and honest, and your love for your family glows through the screen. I’ll keep reading as long as there’s something written there to read!

  3. I’m new to your blog, but this is my favorite post so far. I truly believe more people are like this than you imagine. I am. If nobody else is, I’m your twin. Legit. I’m not exaggerating. The whole “wearing 50% what I slept in” and “not having fixed my hair” things? Ohhhhhh yes. Except (1) not the starbucks because coffee makes me sick and (2) my weight issue sounds like it’s going in the opposite direction — but it still doesn’t make me feel good. I even have the kid with behavioral disorders. And the holes in the doors.

    I think people like and love your posts because they DO see you. They might initially want to cast a stone, but they immediately realize they shouldn’t because in some way they are the same. We all fake something, even if it’s not because we’re embarrassed but just because we don’t want to talk about it to anyone. We don’t want people asking questions that are mentally exhausting to answer honestly, and yet we don’t really want to lie. Or maybe we do but we know we shouldn’t. So faking it all just means nobody asks. The new version of “don’t ask don’t tell”???

    Being real and authentic is the greatest gift any human can give to another in this world, even when it’s embarrassing or we don’t like it. Reality is important. It breeds acceptance which is SO so necessary. I really really do feel that way. We are all 110% faking it and if somebody is not and is still achieving what we’re all faking, I desperately want to meet that person and learn their secrets. Because that’s……not normal.

    Way to go, you!

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