Today I did something REALLY hard.
I’m talking something I haven’t done in so long I don’t even remember the last time I did it.
No, I didn’t run 5 miles.
I didn’t do my own taxes.
I didn’t bake a recipe with ingredients I can’t pronounce.
Today I stopped.
Not a pause.
Not a breath.
A full stop.
We should’ve been finishing our homeschool project on nocturnal animals. We should’ve been completing a spelling test. We should’ve been cleaning this natural disaster we call our house. But, instead, I stopped.
Like any normal day, I was getting ready to start our morning lesson and I looked over at my boy– Getting longer and lankier, Stronger and with manlier features, Dressed in various shades of green, proudly thinking he matches, And I stopped.
My boy. My sweet, baby-faced boy who just yesterday had been cooing in his infant swing was becoming a man right in front of my eyeballs, but I’d been too busy to notice.
So I stopped.
I put up the pencils, shelved the binders, and told him to pick any movie he wanted. It’s cold and rainy and PERFECT for a snuggly movie morning with mama. I don’t know why I was flooded with emotions this morning. I didn’t cry, but I could feel it–heavy on my chest.
I’ve got no idea what made me pause to notice my boy growing and maturing, but I am so grateful that I chose to stop. The idea of postponing my lists–my never-ending to-do’s–overwhelms me with panic. Stopping is a completely foreign concept to me–the Type A, anxiety-ridden, forever list-making, get it done because no one else will do it personality.
But friends, hear me when I tell you that stopping for 90 minutes of snuggling and laughing with my boy to an early 90s classic was the absolute BEST use of my time today.
Holding my knobby-kneed nine year old,
Feeling his breath as his chest rose and fell,
Squeezing him when I couldn’t hold it in anymore…
I don’t know for sure, but I imagine that hour and a half will be a memory I look back on when he is graduating high school, leaving for college, and getting married.
I won’t recall paying bills or working all night.
I won’t remember scrubbing baseboards or making sure the laundry was put away.
The client I was working for won’t even cross my mind.
And I won’t feel proud of having meal prepped a week in advance.
But that stop today… I’ll remember that for a long time.
Sister, I hope no matter how foreign it may feel, that you take time to stop today and give yourself permission to just sit…
To actually be fully present and in the moment with the little people you love and who adore you–no matter how much you may feel like you’re failing. ❤️ -B.
**Follow me on IG @themamaontherocks