I originally came on here to do one of those fun, quippy, hilarious ‘get to know each other’ posts where I admit to you that I think Reese’s cups are of the devil and you gasp and wonder if we can still be friends…
But here I am, instead, with a feeling in the pit of my stomach completely unrelated to my total disgust for Reese’s cups.
Friends, I just really, truly, honestly, with everything inside of me CAN-NOT right now.
I can’t with the lasting effects of COVID.
I can’t with inconsistency in what to believe on the news.
I can’t with the pile of laundry that threatens to avalanche onto any unsuspecting passerby in our house and claim their life–death by gym sock suffocation.
I feel like I absolutely CANNOT be a good wife,
and mom,
and homeschool teacher
and hostess,
and employee,
and grad school student,
and make 10,047 dinners for my family.
And please don’t even mention politics to me right now or I will instantly barf on your shoes.
Sister, this all feels like too much.
I’d love to tell you that I have a sure-fire way to fix this–to make this persistent ache subside–but I just don’t.
Yesterday, I spent more than I should have on Christmas decorations because it gave me a small, barely visible glimpse of hope on which to hold and then came home to spooky decorations that are up for a small Halloween party we are hosting in lieu of trick-or-treating (suck it, Covid) and it just made me annoyed that I couldn’t put the tree up right then in that moment.
I think a lot of these feelings of being out of control, not being able to make properly informed decisions, and feeling wildly helpless make me feel like a child in some ways, but I can’t just go tell my mom and know that she will make it all better because this is out of all of our hands.
So, instead of telling you ten witty and wonderful things you might not know about me in hopes of convincing you to one day buy me coffee in your hometown, here I am frustrated and furious, hurt and helpless, baffled and wanting to barf, pouring out this truth:
I am NOT okay.
We’ll get through this, sure.
But for today–for right now–I just need to sit in this. 
-B.
**Follow me on IG @themamaontherocks
