While Other Moms are Preaching Presence, The Best Thing I Can Do for My Kids is to Check Out Right Now…
Let it be known that my husband is the fun parent. If you know us personally, this is not shocking. He races go-karts and builds motorcycles, rock climbs and can play endless rounds of Uno with our kids while I’m over here color-coordinating calendars and making to-do lists LIKE A BOSS!
Sooooo, if you think office supplies, planning, and rage cleaning are fun, then I’m your gal!
Surprisingly, my kids don’t prescribe to my brand of entertainment. So they rely pretty heavily on their dad to pull through with the risk-taking and danger while I pack the snacks and sunscreen.
It’s fine. We’re fine. It works for us.
But here’s the thing, friends. Lately, I feel like every post, article, meme, and flowery encouragement poster in my therapist’s office are Preaching “presence over presents”.
I don’t disagree.
But I do recognize that, while I don’t know a lot of things, I’m confident in my areas of weakness. Right now (Read: The last 6+ mo), I’ve spent my time feeling
and Over it.
I’m balancing work and grad school, internship and assignments, grocery shopping and meal prepping, budgeting and balancing, helping with homework and breaking up fights, virtual schooling and running everyone to appointments, and generally trying to be all things to all people and I. Am. Spent.
I can’t be present right now.
When I finally have one singular minute to take a breath, I don’t want to play in the snow.
I don’t want to do a craft.
I don’t want to “watch this mama” one mo’ time.
I have nothing left to give.
And that’s okay.
Because there will be seasons of overwhelm for my kids and seasons of stress for my husband. Right now it’s my season to be pressed down and under pressure.
And it’s okay for our kids to see that because one day things will feel like too much for them and I don’t want them to “pretend normal”.
I want them to recognize that everything feels like too much for them, to identify how it makes them feel, and to give themselves the space to NOT feel like they HAVE to show up for everyone.
Because yes, haters, I AM their mother.
I DID choose to have them.
I DO NOT regret being a mom.
But that doesn’t mean that sometimes life doesn’t beat your whole a*s and some days motherhood feels like a dang nightmare and bedtime just can’t get here soon enough.
So, for today, I’ll listen to my audiobook (bc I’m super cool) while drinking coffee and watching my fun husband throw snowballs at our kids from the comfort of the couch.
I will not guilt trip myself for needing space.
I will not allow my kids or outsiders or anyone trolling the comment threads to make me believe I’m doing something wrong by recognizing that I need to set boundaries right now.
Maybe next week I’ll be fun.
Maybe next month we’ll have mommy-son dates and mama-daughter days.
Today I nap.
And I hope you will, too.
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