I Feel Like I Am Too Much and Not Enough.
Last night, I laid in bed awake, mind spinning out of control. This is not uncommon. The bedtime reel in my mind was reviewing the day’s events, making multiple to-do lists, remembering something I’d forgotten earlier and would undoubtedly forget by morning.
But the replay button seemed to be stuck on one phrase: “Too much and not enough.”
I weigh too much. I spend too much. I eat too much. I don’t sleep enough or I sleep too much. I don’t spend enough time with the kids. I don’t have enough energy left to devote to my husband. I don’t make enough money to justify expenditures. I don’t work out enough.
The paradox is not lost on me, but it is my real life.
While my husband compliments my outfit, my brain says, “Yeah right. You look like a fat slob.”
When an article I wrote reaches thousands, my mind tells me, “It takes millions to go viral and you aren’t even making enough money to call this a side hustle.”
If a colleague recognizes my performance at work, my conscious is saying, “Girl, you barely tricked them with this one. Soon enough they’ll find out you aren’t that smart.”
Why can’t I be one of those people who are spontaneous, living in the moment, and enjoying life? If I experience a victory, my inner voices remind me of a failure. Instead of reveling in an accomplishment and feeling a sense of pride, I compare myself to someone doing better. But why?
Womanhood can be a rough and dirty road to navigate. The journey is wrought with forks in the road, some of which we stand behind and others of which we aren’t proud. While no two women share an identical story, many of our inner voices are echoes of each other.
We are worn. We are wounded. And we carry heavy baggage.
No matter how supportive your family may have been, how lovely a church service you attended, or how quickly you might have met the most adoring husband, every woman has her cob-webby places.
Ladies, we need each other. How powerful are the words, “me too”? Those two words, aside from our current culture’s use of them, are ablaze with mightiness.
“I am struggling with my weight.” “Me too.”
“I don’t feel like I am a good enough mom.” “Me too.”
“I am not sure my husband finds me attractive anymore.” “Me too.”
“I’m afraid of decisions our teen is making.” “Me too.”
Friends, this is gut-wrenching, march leading, unifying power we hold. What if we used it to our advantage instead of cowering behind our insecurities?
Together, our words are empowering and life-giving. I may have entire days or hours within a day where I feel like less than or way too much. But our words, our stories, and our testimonies are more than enough. Our “me too’s” can hold incredbily beautiful healing.
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2 Replies to “I am Both Too Much and Not Enough”
Me, too! I am so grateful for your bravery to share the intimate toxic thoughts that you have. I identified with every single of them! And you’re right in that we need to support each other as moms. Because it’s hard! Your blog is a beacon of hope that reminds me that I’m not alone. There’s at least one mom out there that struggles just like I do! The knowledge that I’m not alone is priceless! Thank you for sharing!
That is honestly why I made my private FB extreme parenting community because the main page was WAY too big and I needed a space safe for me to vent to other moms who didn’t judge me!! Thank you for being so kind.