I Want To Be Alone

I Want To Be Alone | The Mama On The Rocks

Just me again, your resident truth-teller, getting photobombed by one of my ferral children which serves as a perfect illustration of what NO ONE is telling you right now…

I want to be ALONE.

To say we’re tired would be a gross understatement.

We passed tired month ago. We drove by the exit to exhaustion and kept cruising until wherever we are now–which seems dangerously close to death’s door most days.

We’ve read and shared plenty of mom memes and emotional expressions of how ‘over it’ we all are with the pandemic,
Virtual school,
Our kids,
Figuring out dinner,
The endless snacks,
Missing personal connections,
And the list goes on.

All of those things are absolutely true.

But I think, if we’re being really honest–truly transparent–we are feeling something deep in our dark, cobb-webby places that many haven’t felt before.

Our mental health feels like it is legitimately paralyzing us and we are drowning. Just because we can’t tread water doesn’t stop the waves from crashing down against us.

We might have terrific family but still feel like we have no support.

We could be surrounded by really hilarious and loving kids but the times of fighting, whining, and constant neediness feels crushing.

We may have a partner who truly loves even our ugliest parts and they might sincerely be trying to help us manage everything but here we are still feeling
Beat up,
And honestly just burying our truest feeling:

We just want to run away.

We want to go somewhere that isn’t our shower, our super cool van, the Dollar Spot aisle at Target, or even the drive thru coffee line.

We want to spend time somewhere.

TIME…actual time…more than two minutes, an hour, or even a day where no one
Asks us for all the things,
Needs us to decide anything,
Expects us to clean up after them,
Relies on us for food,
Assumes we’ll break it up, take care of it, or get it…whatever ‘it’ is at the time.

It doesn’t mean we don’t love our spouses,
Or miss our families,
Or think our kids really are the bee’s knees.

It just means alllllll of this…this last YEAR has been waaaaaayyyy more than any human person should be expected to manage.

No one asked us or trained us, but they all keep expecting us to show up and handle it.

We’re becoming extra of everything…
and just plain DONE.

It might not be any one person’s fault, but here we are, with all of these feelings and no where to go.

We need connection.
We need to belly laugh.
We need to hug without fear.
We need to stay up late and eat tacos.
We need to be free from worry and responsibility.
We need to feel like a real human person who can run around with no smaller humans attached to us.
We need to feel heard and loved even when what we are going through is darker than usual.

And, friend, allllll of that is okay.
Your feelings are valid.
You aren’t crazy.
You aren’t alone.
We are all feeling pressed on all sides.

I wish I had the perfect answer,
A way to escape,
A personal plane to come pick you all up to go sit somewhere sunny for a few days with no wifi and zero way for our husbands to text that our kids are acting crazy.

But here we are,
All feeling the same things.
And, somehow, there is comfort in that.
We’re in this together, sister. 

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